Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
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Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue