Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…