I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
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#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
OH. COME. ON.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Friday night party time 🥳
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.