[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf đ
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
GAME TRAILER: âEnter a world beyond belief…â
ME: âYesâ
GAME TRAILER: âAn adventure like never before…â
ME: âYESâ
GAME TRAILER: âJoin your friends onlineâ
ME: âIâm outâ
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I think itâs sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: âBye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!â
Friendâs mom (laughing): âI do?â
6: âYeah, itâs black near your head!â
Friendâs mom (still laughing, thank god): âOh honey, those are just my roots.â
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: âTime to go!â
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: what Iâm saying is I donât just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: itâs not too late to do the traditional vows
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
my bf just said âyouâre one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes onâ ummmmmm⌠im sorry⌠ONE OF!!??!?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Wife: Donât use that Band-Aid. Itâs expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
an ear doctorâs practice called âhear, hereâ somebody write that down
Just heard a woman say, âI never give my dog medicine I havenât tried firstâ and her friend responded, âoh, Janet, no.â
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters