Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Why is everyone getting married at me
Don’t hate on Americans for not learning a foreign language.
Hate on Americans for not learning English.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.