Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
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Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?