baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
You Might Also Like
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
per my last wtf
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.