Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda