[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.


Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you


In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.


friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet


When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.


[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.


A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.