[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?