Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[at son’s Little League game]
ME: which one’s yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.