BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car