BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
You Might Also Like
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Love this one 😂🧟
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”