baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You Might Also Like
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*