Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.