BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother