Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Found my door mat
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”