@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

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@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

@Elizasoul80

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@scott_towel

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

@craigdtull

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I like to set goals for myself. Last year I tackled the Rockies

Date: Impressive – so what’s your plan for 2021?

Me: Probably the Rambos

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this