@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

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@dorsalstream

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

@JJSummertime

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

@DaddyJew

[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@QwertyJones3

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

@_itspat_

There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.

@SnizzleFrizzle

I can hear you swallowing from across the room you irritating piece of SHIT

– marriage