if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Saw your ex at the shops
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry