baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
i think both sides are to blame here
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today