Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff