@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

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@Home_Halfway

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

@FatherWithTwins

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

@sixfootcandy

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@ratmobbs

i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married

@portmanteauface

I read the other day that if you leave alcohol-based hand sanitizer in your car it can ignite in the hot sun and blow your car up and my takeaway was “don’t leave your phone in the car”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

@Jake_Vig

Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”