baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You Might Also Like
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery