Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
had to share :’)
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies