[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.