BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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drew a comic about my origin story
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit