@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

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@smilely_gal

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

@FuckabillyRex

Everybody’s playing an angle and I’m really bad at trigonometry.

@theroyaltramp

Look, I wouldn’t even run in a zombie apocalypse let alone chase after you.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”