@awkwardposts
NASA has no chill
@BuiltToTopple
“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.
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@awkwardposts
@KeetPotato
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
@NurseMurderer
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
@rockymomax
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
@Megatronic13
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
@notalogin
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
@trojansauce
[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal
@punmagnate
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
@AmishPornStar1
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
@dshack8
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.