@BuiltToTopple

“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.

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@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@difficultpatty

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

@UnFitz

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

@I_am_carbs

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@shellenger

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

@carlyken

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

@BigJDubz

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?