Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.
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Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.