@sixfootcandy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
@BuiltToTopple
“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.
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@sixfootcandy
@difficultpatty
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
@UnFitz
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
@I_am_carbs
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
@shanethevein
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
@galiamango
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
@shellenger
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
@carlyken
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
@BigJDubz
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?