cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
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The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
liiiiiiiiike
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”