@BuiltToTopple

“Baby I was wrapping presents for a charity” is both the best and the very very very worst excuse for coming home late covered in glitter.

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@Mom_Overboard

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

@stonedcoldlazy

Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!

@AristotlesNZ

Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@MarcusTheToken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@ISOremarkable

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

@jordan_stratton

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

@jimmytorosian

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

@DaddyJew

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.