Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.