*gets to heaven*
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”
– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.