@NotJPo

“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner

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@OrdinaryAlso

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

@Marlebean

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

@dril

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

@briangaar

[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@DanTaylorAuthor

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@TheGoodGodAbove

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?