Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”
– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
bit less wobbly today
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
*calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”
But does my hair look good?