Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
calling in to work dehydrated
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Every work meeting this week
This fish is cracking me up
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row