Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
You Might Also Like
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
mom gave me mine for free
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet