Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.