“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?