“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
the red hot silly peppers
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?