Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My dad.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*