@TheMomAtLaw

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

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@_Rewhan

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

@JeremyPoxon

[cool youth pastor voice] let me tell you the story of another special boy who miraculously left a cave

@TheBoydP

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

@iAmGolfy

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!

@TheAndrewNadeau

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

@erikbryn

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.