[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?