Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.