me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My dog is such a narcissist she’ll only fetch selfie sticks.
*sees neighbors bringing in KFC
*knocks on door
Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed
Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-
Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.
“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones
Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard