ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.
Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.
This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane