Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

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me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty


I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.


*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?


Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.


“LSD Makes Users Lose Weight”
That makes sense. It’s kinda hard to get to the fridge when
there’s a dragon guarding it.


me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that


Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.


Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”


Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard