@josePhDhoran

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

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@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@RamblingMachine

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

@LoriLuvsShoes

I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.

@canadian_jane

If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.

@rmfnord

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

@seamusmckracken

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

@RedBeard3000

Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking

@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

@brothasoul

Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”