*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
You Might Also Like
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.