*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

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[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please


Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”


In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it


I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.


If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.


Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.


Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.


Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking


The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.


Mitt Romney: “I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman, and a woman, and a woman…”