baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?


Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,


Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.



Banker: I’m in.


Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect


date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA



me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday


If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”


Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?


Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.


Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.