baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”