[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
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11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Happens to everyone.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.