Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.