[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.