Fashion Facts –
Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing
Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
You Might Also Like
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree