Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.


*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night


So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?


INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys


I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking