Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
They did not miss in the small print
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?