I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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A parliament of owls, a murder of crows, a thatsso of ravens
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking