Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

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Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)


Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.


Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.


I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.


I am pleased to report that the spider I felt on my neck that caused me to nearly drop the baby was, in fact, my shirt tag.


Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.


Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?


Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.