Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”