Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My dad teaching me to drive
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
how to have fun when you’re poor
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I don’t know what to do
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*