I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.