@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

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@noog

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

@3sunzzz

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

@motrboatr

I do feel bad for some of you who complain about all the unwanted attention you get on Twitter. Maybe you should try notepad, or word.

@truegritrumble

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.