*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Me: cmon son
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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me: [googling] what do leg bleeding raccoon bite
google: elevate and apply pressure
me: [lifting raccoon real high] apologize or else
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Husband: Are you sure?
Husband, sweating: ok
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
*opens up a 99 cent store right next to a dollar store*