Remember folks 馃槀
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Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Ok why even have a pool if you can鈥檛 do ANYTHING in it
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Me: I don鈥檛 like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven鈥檛 had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they鈥檒l trip over something and die
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won鈥檛 stop it from coming back
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My husband and I are very compatible.
He鈥檚 a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry