@LovelyFilters

baby wake up, it’s someday

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@SortaBad

To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt

@flashember

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@cluedont

BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.

@bourgeoisalien

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@fro_vo

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

@bumdog7

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

@Home_Halfway

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.