baby wake up, it’s someday

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To impress a woman in the workplace, ignore her body and compliment her IDEAS. Example: Sharon it was a great idea to wear that tight skirt


ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth


{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.


BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.


serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.