hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
At least he brought enough for everyone
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Day 2 of my diet