[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
it is time once again
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Geez man, take it easy.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”