[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Does it…does it take 3 days
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*